Do Better More Often
I have been keeping a journal for … maybe forty years now. I don’t recall discovering writing or how much I love to write, I think it just came with me into this life. I process my days in two ways: talking to myself when I walk or drive and writing.
At one point I transitioned to writing in chemistry lab notebooks. I love the lined and numbered pages and I like the size. I like the blue hardcover, though many years ago I commissioned a wonderful leathersmith to make covers for me.
For a long time I held on to my journals even though I often found it painful to go back and re-read what I had written. I had pages, indeed, years of books filled largely with stories of my relationships with men. Boys, of course, when I started writing in my early teens, then men. Decades of me trying to make sense of whatever relationship I happened to be in at the time. I cringe, still, thinking of when I made this discovery: that so much of my life’s energy has been wasted trying to sort out romantic love.
I suspect I crossed some sort of spiritual threshold when I started writing about other things: insights from travels, plans for the future, existential questions with which I wrestle. Most recently I started keeping what I call my Accountability Journal.
It’s very simple: each day I record the things I have done that reflect me holding myself to a higher standard.
Me. Myself. I. No one else.
Recently, as part of my desire to evolve spiritually while I’m here, I’ve been taking a hard look at my life and, in particular, the dark parts of my existence. The times when I made terrible decisions, times when I was dishonest, unreliable, unfaithful, irresponsible. I have forced myself not to turn from the wreckage, not to pretend it doesn’t matter because it’s in the past. Then I turned my attention to my current daily habits and the ways in which I hold myself accountable (or not). These are the times when no one is looking, when it would not matter much if I were to make a poor choice. Not to the world, anyway. But what I understand now is that each time we do this, we suffer internally. Just because no one will know doesn’t mean we should.
I understand now that it’s not much use to try to hold one’s self to another person’s standards. Perhaps it was for a short while when we were young and our parents expected certain things of us, but once we reach the age of understanding that we are a separate and unique entity, that’s when our motivation has to become intrinsic.
This doesn’t happen very often, thus so many of us get derailed, often for very long periods of time. Most of us are kind of bumbling around in life, looking to others for validation, still thinking we need a nod from Dad or a good job from Mom well into our adult years. These are hard habits to break.
Journaling, reflecting in any form, helps.
Accountability so far today, for me, looks like this:
I hand the homeless person rifling through the trash some money and I hug her and look her in the eyes. She is a person, first and foremost. As a pastor I can talk the talk all day every day, but if I don’t walk it, too and mean it, I’m nothing.
I take the check at breakfast even though I know the others at the table probably make more than I because it is my turn. It just is.
I acknowledge the woman serving me breakfast because she is, first and foremost, a person. I am grateful and I let her know. I look her in the eyes and we talk to each other.
I show up for the meeting I have planned even though I would much rather head out to the beach.
It’s awfully easy to squirm out of pretty much anything these days. We rarely have to speak to people in person, so we text and email the things we’re uncomfortable saying.
Holding one’s self accountable is largely about being a decent person, right? It’s about showing up, saying thank you, saying I’m sorry, saying I could have done better. It’s about doing the thing you said you were going to do, no excuses.
Once you begin to hold yourself accountable what you will find is that you feel better. Almost immediately. You feel lighter. Because when you are dishonest, even when no one is looking, you carry a heavy weight. Your soul feels unwell. And when that starts to happen your body and mind will follow.
Sure, of course you can and should write about and process your relationships, but you absolutely must hold yourself responsible for everything that is yours. You are not a puppet on anyone else’s strings in this life. The life you have is the life you created for yourself, full f-ing stop. And the sooner you understand that and live in accordance with this basic spiritual law, the happier, healthier and more productive you will be.
It’s that simple, people. It really is.
These spiritual insights and others will be available in book form in early 2023. Thanks you for supporting my great loves of writing and teaching by pre-ordering HERE.