Good morning!
I was not going to write this, I had a bunch of notes from one of my last long car rides, which, btw is often when I write, when I’m in motion, but then I put them aside and wrote other things and did other things, until this morning when I saw a story at The Atlantic about parents policing other parents, reporting them for things like letting their kids stray too far on the playground, blah blah blah and my blood started to boil a little, even before the sun had risen.
I cannot imagine the world in which these kinds of things play out any more than I can imagine the kind of adult a kid raised this way will grow to be. I’m glad I’ll be checking out before that time.
I can’t read my notes very well because, as mentioned ⬆️ I was writing in the car, but here’s the gist:
I’m pulling a little bit of rank today in commenting on this. I don’t like to do this, but sometimes it feels necessary.
I have an M.Ed. and about ten years of teaching experience (Kindergarten through high school). Hell, I even spent time as a houseparent in a boarding school dorm (Emma Willard). I also raised three little Popsnorkles of my own (fave children’s book reference there, look up Daniel Pinkwater if you don’t know). All of them, ages 28, 26 and 18, are independent, pay their bills, get to work on time, and have friends in their communities far from where they grew up. They know how to shop for groceries, make and get to a doctor appointment, prepare healthy meals. In spite of challenging childhoods (which, I think when you look up childhood, the word challenge is in there somewhere) they are grounded and present, they understand accountability and tenacity and they ask for help and advice when they need it. Also, they are thoughtful and funny and they very often purchase their own plane tickets.
I also have an M.A. in Pastoral Care, which basically means that I understand what’s happening when your life is out of whack. It’s almost always because your mind and spirit are out of whack, but that’s another story for another day.
Ten years as a teacher, thirteen years as a chaplain, pastor, counselor, and thirty as a parent. That’s what rank looks like. In the middle I was a photographer and a journalist, which is basically saying that I was paying a lot of attention to the world of people around me.
So here’s what I want to say to all the kids:
Kids, hi. First, there is such good news about being an adult! You can play your music as loud as you want any time you want and you can eat candy all day every day, if you want.
You won’t want those things, but I’ll let you get there on your own.
Being a grown-up also comes with a vast array of responsibilities that kind of drown out the joy of loud Led Zeppelin and Snickers for breakfast, but you can find the balance and you should absolutely enjoy your long-awaited freedom. You just need to be ready for it, which it sounds like a lot of parents these days are getting in the way of— your readiness to live independently in the world.
I am sorry, children, that you are being subject to endless worksheets and tests—a literal tsunami of information you will never use and can get AI to generate for you in an instant now. Grown-ups are not willing to admit this yet, nor are they willing to give up their job or tenure, so you’ll have to work around all the ones who insist on these archaic ways. They know somewhere deep inside that you already know, but they’re afraid to admit that the world they’ve constructed is becoming useless.
I wish that Charlie Crockett’s Hard Times was played in every hospital nursery. Not only because it’s great and funny, but because it’s a morsel of truth about life here. The truth of your childhood, of life here on Earth, is that it’s not easy, which is why I do recommend Snickers and Led Zeppelin, but also I want to suggest that you don’t take any of it too seriously.
Kids, we brought you here and we screwed you up, too. I apologize on behalf of all humanity and I understand if you need some time to think about that. Your parents, if they’re around, are going to try to protect you from everything that’s scary, which is the same thing as protecting you from life, so pretend you’re listening then, if you can, teach yourself to do a backflip on the trampoline anyway.
Your freedom will come eventually and you do want to be prepared for that day. Freedom, after all, is the goal in life. Understand, cutie pies, I am not advocating for you to become a Tik Tok star, I am a big fan of actual work, but work that’s meaningful and makes the world a twee bit better. Tik Tok is fun, so I hear, but your soul will die if you invest too much time there, or online in general.
The world is a really cool place and your goal is to get out in it as soon as you can, away from the prying and terrified eyes of adults. You want to be ready when you get there, so stick to your disciplines, which for a kid are having fun, testing limits, questioning adults, figuring out new ways and sneaking candy. Try to remember to stay hydrated!
Lots of love,
Auntie M.
Dear Parents,
Hands off! And I mean that. Step away from the children!
Here’s how they learn how to get back up: they fall down.
Here’s how they learn that the stove is hot: they burn their hand.
Here’s how they learn that the ground is hard: they fall down.
Here’s how they learn to succeed: they fail.
Here’s how they learn to savor success: they experience disappointment.
Here’s how they learn to win: they lose. And they DO NOT GET A TROPHY FOR PARTICIPATING. No one in the real world is going to congratulate them for breathing so stop it right now! You do not get a medal for taking up space in this world, you are rewarded for a job well done and that takes actual effort. The world never has been and never will be a level playing field and kids need to learn this right now.
And btw, they should play a sport for the love of the game and for the camaraderie of the team, not because you’re there watching every single move they make. Drop them off from time to time, go to town and get a donut. Let them see how it feels to play a soccer game for themself, not you. That intrinsic sense of what feels good or not is critical to decision-making later in life.
You get where this is headed, right? I have no idea what you’re all so afraid of, you whacky parents, but you’re churning out massively unwell kids. Surely you understand by now that what you’re doing isn’t working. Kids are literally hardwired to engage with the world, to explore, to create and you nutters are getting in their way. Your job is to give them shelter from the storm. You show up at the parent conference, nod politely and thank the teachers. You show up at the hospital when they break their arm attempting a new trick in the terrain park. You show up with the lasagna and the hugs when their heart is broken. You show up, you do not shadow.
Catch and release, my friends. You caught them when they fell to the earth, that was so very lovely of you, now release them to the world and watch the magnificent mystery of who they are reveal itself to you.
With stern but true love,
Mamma Melis
Thank you, Melissa. I liked the message, probably because I agree with the general direction of it and importantly, because at times, I could’ve done better following it. I shared it with my posse of four children this morning.
Fantastic advice !!!!!