A lot of times when I sit down to talk with folks, or maybe when I’m driving or wandering around my house with my headphones on, listening, they have a litany of complaints about someone else: their mom, former wife, their kids, brother, husband, sister, their new hire, their old boss. You name it. In fact, chances are good that someone out there is complaining to someone else about you, right now. I feel confident about this because I hear so much complaining.
Not just about people, either. I hear lots and lots of complaints about medical conditions. My leg hurts, my sciatica is acting up, I really wanted to go skiing today but this bum knee …
Also, of course, the weather.
There are lots of people online complaining about other people, too. This seems to have become the national pastime.
I’m sure it’s the algorithm because of that one time I read one woman’s online missives about the crummy beauty industry, but when I open Substack now all I see is the writing of women complaining about other women who are too skinny, too rich, too botoxed, too phony with all those kids and they’re making sourdough bread, too!
Let me ask you this: who cares?
I mean, seriously. If instead of devoting all that time to letting the world know how mad you are about that other person, imagine if instead you looked around and noticed that the plants are looking particularly swell today and the snow is kind of pretty, and the coffee, wo, it tastes good this morning! My hands still work! My eyes can see!
And then get on with your day. Go for a walk, clean out the pantry, focus your energy on productive things that will make you feel like it’s been a good day when it winds down. Maybe even go sign up to volunteer at the nursing home where all the old people are lonely. Wo! Crazy.
I mean, really, seriously, just stop caring so much about what other people are doing and work on figuring out why you’re here, why you’re so unhappy, why you need other people to be problematic jerks to make you feel better. Who cares what anyone else is doing? It’s their life, their choices, their story. Sure, you might be part of it, especially if you’re married to them or related to them, but still, who cares? As long as it isn’t hurting you too much, let it go. Or, if it is hurting you too much, maybe talk to them about it, maybe figure out how you can resolve the situation so you can get on with your life, too. And if you can’t resolve the situation because the other person refuses to participate then focus your time and attention on something more meaningful.
Because you know, here’s the thing, and the tremendous Michael Singer reminded me of this in a podcast I listened to yesterday when I was driving to Saratoga to visit my parents and some good friends. Listen carefully:
You are on a planet that is floating in space, it’s like a huge spaceship. This planet has been doing that for something like 4.5 billion years. Just floating around the sun, year after year, holding life.
It did it for a really long time before you got here and it’s going to keep doing it after you leave. Most likely for another really long time.
FOUR POINT FIVE BILLION YEARS this has been going on.
You’re here for like, maybe 70, 80 years, right? Maybe. Hilarious.
The sun, that gorgeous star that shines in our sky and keeps us warm, is about 90 million miles away from us, that’s how big the thing is.
This thing, this situation. It’s way, way bigger than our tiny minds can fathom.
And all of it, the trees, the stars, the snow, the birds, the foxes, the rivers, the comedians, the colors, the poetry, it’s all playing out in front of you for you to enjoy.
And you’re starting another day fuming about that thing, that person, that situation.
Why are you mad? Why are you angry? Why do you care that a woman living in Utah is cooking breakfast on an expensive stove while she’s pregnant with her ninth kid? Why do you care what your dad said forty years ago or what your boss did last week? Or what that actress wore to the party? Or what your neighbor said to your other neighbor at the meeting?
Your life is a tiny pinprick in this massive story of history and science and cosmic awesomeness.
And you’re going to waste it in regret, jealousy, anger, revenge? You’re going to waste your life’s energy wishing things were different?
Your life is yours, but it’s short and it’s small and it’s over in a flash. Today is a brand new thing. All of the yesterdays are gone, all of the conversations faded into nothing. Tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. And there you are, in the midst of this majesty, this fleeting moment on this crazy amazing planet floating in infinity, fixated on what happened before and what might happen next?
Why?
Because when you put it that way it feels kind of dumb, doesn’t it?
4.5 billion years.
90 million miles.
There are almost 8 billion situations happening on earth right now. That’s how many people there are. Are you going to worry about all of them? Are you going to care about all of those other realities playing out at this very moment? I sure hope not because if you do you’re missing the most amazing, tremendous thing that’s ever happened to you and that’s your life, right here, on this planet, right now.
Amen, xom
I’ve given up caring about all of the nonsense for lent and I’m going to keep going afterwards!
That’s a good one!