The Days to Come
Dear Reader,
An inquiry into our choices around spiritual guidance. While I watch a bee move from clover to clover and feel another tropical day unveil here in Vermont.
I remember when the pastor of the church I attended in northern Vermont revealed that he would be leaving to take on a new role and new challenges at a much larger church in an urban area. My heart was broken because I thought he was a magnificent spiritual leader. I thought, many Sundays, that he was speaking directly to me.
I sat in the balcony in that church, in a space I considered mine, and on the few occasions when others made the trek up the narrow stairway to sit there, too, I was offended and pissed-off.
I believed I owned that bit of church real estate and I thought I needed that pastor in my life and that without him everything would fall apart.
Looking back now I see that I was in the infancy of my spiritual development, relying heavily on the ritual of Sunday church attendance and the words and music of another person (that pastor played the guitar) for what I considered a meaningful life of the soul.
Turns out that his leaving was probably the best thing that could have happened for me in terms of drawing my own map for my own journey; taking responsibility for the life I came here to live.
I recall one moment that stands out as both really funny and also very telling: I was sitting with that pastor in his office sharing with him the story of the crazy rainbow experience I had had on 12.21.12, when I had basically, after a long day of incredibly whacky weather and a prediction that the world was going to fold that day, fallen to my knees in acknowledgement of a larger narrative, finally understanding that I was not in charge of my life — standard issue moment of awakening, blah blah blah.
The pastor listened intently then, when I was done, sobbing and confused, said, “Sheesh, it’s always the Catholics who get to have the mystical events.”
It was so hilarious and so great and so huge.
It told me that I had, because of who I already was and where I had come from, everything I needed to walk through this world and experience both the exterior life of the flesh and the interior life of the soul.
I actually want to repeat that part.
I possessed, because of who I already was and where I had come from, everything I needed to walk through this world and experience both the exterior life of the flesh and the interior life of the soul.
Up to then I was gleaning all of my spiritual strength from that pastor on Sunday mornings. As if he and that church were a filling station and I was an empty tank.
From that moment on I knew that I had the goods, and that I would need to step into my big girl trousers, pull them all the way up and begin to do the work on my own.
The pastor’s leaving, it turned out, was a blessing.
I started to let life give me the clues I needed to do and grow and be present in this world. And let me tell you, life did not disappoint.
I have been thinking a lot lately about what seems like the spectrum of spiritual leadership we have here on planet Earth.
On the one end we have what I would call the influencers. Those are the folks who mostly dispense advice via book, public speaking and an online platform. They may or may not have any actual cred to do what they’re doing, but they’re often good-looking and they’ve mastered the use of social media. Or they’ve hired someone who has mastered social media. Often their advice seems somewhat pithy, obvious and is doled out in micro doses. But they develop large followings and so something that they’re doing is resonating with the masses. It’s sort of like a spiritual snack time with these folks.
In the center of the spectrum we have what I call the teachers. Yoga teachers come to mind first. They have some training, they have had to study something and they’re teaching spiritual principals through some sort of specific modality.
And at the other end we have religious leaders, a term I often speak while also raising my eyes. Truthfully I have yet to find a single one I think is an untarnished holy being. I don’t think it’s possible, given life here on this planet. Thomas Merton, the most awesomest “monk,” had an affair with his nurse. The Dalai Lama, in a truly cringy moment recently asked a kid to suck tongues with him. I think the true holy masters are often the ones very quietly doing what they do, not drawing or wanting any attention.
Religious leaders have probably had to subject themself to some kind of training, schooling, process, hoop-jumping. Or maybe they were born into some lineage of leadership. In terms of qualifications or credentials, this crew is probably the most legit, but also very often the most corrupt.
I am mad with curiosity around what it is that humans need for spiritual sustenance in 2023 in this crazy world. It’s very in-vogue now to turn away from ‘religion’ and it’s also very popular for churches to declare that “your yoga teacher won’t bring you a casserole when your mom dies,” implying that real community can only be found within a church construct. To which I, as an actual pastor, being my politest self, say “that’s simply not true.” I have lived within the church construct for the past decade and I can tell you that churches, though certainly peopled with truly lovely and caring humans, are also often deeply dysfunctional in the very same ways as every family you’ve ever known, just with more members.
Do we need more influencers feeding us a constant flow of advice, much of which we should already know by now?
Do we need more teachers, drawing us into their studios, classes and workshops to show and tell us what they have discovered?
Do we need more churches where we can go once a week to hear what a pastor or priest has to say about a passage from the Bible?
Or … do we need something that has not appeared yet? Are we, simply by virtue of being who we are here in this world in this moment in time, without even knowing it yet, in the process of constructing the new way?
If our spiritual growth is always in a process of evolution, shouldn’t the places and people we turn to for sustenance be that, too?
Shouldn’t we as humans be in an unending process of birthing the thing our bodies, minds and souls need most?
Why are we constantly trying to retrofit the old thing while deeply fearful of the new thing? Because we are, as people, in a never-ending flow of change, from one end of life to the other: change, change, change.
I think the new way is about digging deep into our very own selves, learning what it feels like to have our gut tell us what we need to know and acting on the advice that’s being dispensed through us from Infinity all the time. We don’t really need leaders or teachers as much as we think we do; the guide is within.
Unfortunately, nothing prepares us to trust this. As kids growing up in this culture, we are trained to respond to external stimuli all the time: a high grade, a blue ribbon, a trophy, the attention of an authority figure.
When my daughter used to share with me her grades I would look them over, congratulate her on a job well done, then ask her, “How does this feel to you? Are you satisfied with this outcome?”
Because that was really all that ultimately mattered.
I don’t think this kind of thing happens very often.
It comes as no surprise to me that most adults are looking in all directions for guidance, answers and support. Growing up, we did not learn to trust our own instincts, our own responses to life. We were not taught what it means to care, from a place deep inside. We were trained to respond to bells and whistles.
You can and should seek and find community in a church setting, if that’s your jam. But if no one goes and churches die, that’s OK, too. We do not need to wring our hands endlessly about this changing reality. It’s simply giving us important information about the needs of humans in 2023.
Community can be found in a class setting. Or even online. Community is very important, we are relational beings and need others to get through this life. But you should not come to rely or depend on any other person or situation to effect spiritual growth for you. That’s your job.
When the pastor I loved left town, the void was palpable. I was sad and bereft for a while. I tried going to church with the new interim a few times and it didn’t resonate, so I stopped, completely. I didn’t try another church, I didn’t seek another guide or leader, somehow, miraculously, I stepped onto the road of personal discovery.
It hasn’t been easy, taking charge of your own spiritual evolution is work. The teachers you need will come and go, and it’s your job to recognize them when you meet them and to release them when you no longer need them. There will be no curriculum handed to you, you have to build it yourself. The process is arduous but enormously satisfying. Make no mistake, what I’m talking about is not an isolating process, I’m not advocating for everyone to become a hermit, sitting alone in the woods contemplating the meaning of life. What I’m saying is that there comes a time in every person’s life when they need to own the truth that they already possess the power within and they are here to manifest, nurture and radiate that life force.
I feel profoundly the shifts in our world these days. It’s very exciting to be alive right now. I feel graced and blessed to have had all of the experiences I’ve had: Catholic church that must have birthed an enchanted heart and that also revealed to me the many flaws and cracks in the systems. The many teachers who held my hand along the way, dispensed advice and set me free, and the vocations and positions I’ve held that allowed me to question, from within, the many things we consider true and necessary.
Soon, in the tradition of every spiritual crackpot who came before me, I’ll head to the desert to see what the barren wilderness and ghosts of mystical mavericks have to say about the days to come.
cheers and love,
xomo