Oof.
I know , it’s Sunday and I’m starting with oof.
It’s OK though, I’m fine.
I oof-ed because earlier this morning I was thinking about all the men I dated and/or married who got busy with other women while I was out of town. I mapped this once and I’ve written about it before; it’s not interesting anymore. But it was funny, years ago, when I started piecing it together how, starting with the man I fell in love with in college and moving right up through my early 50s, I was always choosing men who were … non-committal? I don’t know … men who loved women so much that they couldn’t contain themselves?
When I say “got busy” I don’t necessarily mean they were sleeping with other women in my absence. They were flirting via social media, text, email. Going out to eat, making plans to get together with old flames, that sort of thing.
The thing is that dishonesty always carries its own stench, right? It has an energy all its own and most people know it when they encounter it. People often think they’re getting away with something but they’re not. The scumminess of life always rises to the surface, and I say this about my own life, too.
Again, I’m not interested in writing about men, possibly because every journal I ever kept was filled with stories of men, going back to when I called them diaries (pre-teen angst) until … not that long ago, sadly. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out men.
Until the day I started taking responsibility for my choices.
It’s really kind of funny how we so often think we’re a victim in our own lives, shattered by all the awful people who treat us so poorly.
Boo hoo.
All my life I was asking the wrong question.
All my life I was wondering, fist pounding on desk! why men behaved so badly.
Then one day my thinking shifted into … why do I choose to date people who aren’t that interested in me? Why did I offer these people a spot in my life? Why did I give them my time and attention? Why did I choose to care about people who didn’t care all that much about me?
I could draw this out all morning, but really, who has the time? And men aren’t the point. Choices are the point.
I chose each and every one of those men. I chose difficult men, indifferent men. I chose to partner with people who were a lot of work. For whom I needed to preen and prove myself, over and over. I know the roots of this, but that’s not important, either. Chose is the marrow here.
People will always be who they are. They don’t change all that much over time and they usually don’t want to change, either. People generally fall into habits and patterns and routines. They define themselves by their behaviors and beliefs and they often declare those definitions, reinforcing them: I’m bad with money; I’m a creature of habit; I don’t like oysters; I can’t lose weight, etc.
You meet someone and what you see is what you get.
The choice is always yours, to accept and invite that person into your life. Or not.
I finally realized that all of my relationship frustrations and disappointments had everything to do with me and nothing to do with the men. I had chosen, in each case, specific individuals who brought with them specific challenges.
We do the same for all the parts of our lives, all the time.
And then we spend a lot of time complaining.
Right now life in Vermont is not great. In April it rains a lot and it’s cold. Many days the rain is mixed with snow. Where I live, at a slight elevation, the days are mostly gray.
But I chose to live here and I am choosing to be here now. Choice.
So I can either complain daily about this environment or I can choose to live somewhere else.
I look around me, at this very quiet place at this moment in my life and … in fact, I can look around this room and realize that I chose every part of it. I chose the paint color, I chose the lampshades, the blue velvet fabric on the chair, the mug holding my tea. I chose the photographs to frame.
I created the world I am in. Me.
Very little in our lives is outside of our own choosing. And when you begin to take ownership of that you realize how much power you have to live the life you actually want.
Lots of times people stay in a relationship, kicking and screaming because partner X won’t change their crappy behavior and partner Y is so mad because they know they’re worth it and they can’t believe that partner X would choose crappy behavior over their love.
Unfortunately for (almost) all of us it doesn’t actually work that way.
I chose to live in this place. I chose the job I have right now. In fact, I actually stood up on a Sunday morning about ten years ago and joked with the then-pastor that I wanted her job. And now I have it. Every part of my life has been created by me. That is so much power!
What it means is that if I don’t like how it’s going, I have the power to create something new, too.
Try this, especially if you don’t like how things are going in your life right now. Walk around today, all day, and take ownership of everything around you: I chose to live in this space, I chose this person to be my partner, I chose this car, I chose to live in this town, I chose this environment, I chose this milk, I chose this view, I chose these pants. I chose this pen. I chose this view. I chose this hairstyle.
I created all of this. Me.
I chose this.
I am in charge of my life.
If I don’t like the way it’s going I have the power to choose differently.
It’s no one else’s fault that I am living this life right now.
I chose every part of it.
I am fully responsible for my life.
Period.
Wow. That is some amazing shizam. Have a good one everyone!
xomo
This is great! I chose to stay in a relationship for almost 40 years- should have left after about 7 or so.
I think that practicing self -acceptance and self-love (and that sure does take practice) gives one the freedom to make better choices.
I like the idea of l looking around and acknowledging and owning my choices.
Thanks.